UNDER ATTACK: HOW TO DEAL WITH CRITICISM WITHOUT LOSING YOUR COOL

Explore the intricacies of your natural reactions to criticism, its connection to your self-worth, and learn a transformational process, the 3 R’s – Reflect, Reframe, Reveal, to convert criticism into a path for personal growth. Embrace criticism, and unlock the magic of authentic living. 

Life has a way of throwing curveballs, and one of the most challenging ones is criticism. It’s like a surprise pop quiz – with no way to prepare. It can often trigger your instinctual defences, many times rooted in fear or insecurity. Such reactions can cast a shadow on your self-worth and block you from appreciating the potential growth hidden within well-intended criticism.

There’s an enlightening perspective from one of the great minds of antiquity, Aristotle, who once said, “We can avoid criticism, say nothing, do nothing, be nothing.” This pearl of wisdom reminds us that criticism, like the ebb and flow of tides, is a natural part of life. 

The only way to completely avoid being critiqued is to exist in a vacuum of inactivity, to live a life devoid of actions or words. But ask yourself, is that truly living? Is avoiding criticism worth the silence, the stagnation, the surrender of your potential to create, to express, and to impact the world?

It’s inevitable that everyone and their dog is going to have an opinion. What’s important is being able to liberate yourself from the stifling pursuit of perfectionism. Embrace the reality that no matter your actions, there will always be people with different views. This acceptance empowers you to stand tall amidst criticism without allowing it to define you.

Here are some common reactions to criticism. Reflect for a moment: do any resonate with you?

1. Taking it personally: One of the most common reactions is to take it personally, tying the critique to one’s self-worth or identity. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy or failure.
2. Defensiveness: This is another common response. Instead of being open to feedback, you instantly become defensive, trying to justify your behaviour. This can inhibit personal growth and strain relationships.
3. Retaliation: It can be easy to react to criticism by lashing out at the criticiser, often with a cutting jibe of your own. This reaction is often instinctual and emotional rather than thoughtful and can escalate conflict unnecessarily.
4. Avoidance: You may choose to avoid the person who criticised you or avoid the situation entirely. This could involve physically distancing yourself or emotionally withdrawing, which can prevent resolution and personal growth. There is one exception to this, which we will cover in a moment. 
5. Over-analysis: This involves obsessing over the comment, repeatedly thinking about it, analysing it from all angles, and letting it consume your thoughts. This can lead to stress, anxiety, and a lack of focus on other important areas.
6. Self-blame: You might internalise negative feedback to the point where you blame yourself excessively, leading to low self-esteem.
7. Generalisation: Here, you might take a piece of specific criticism and generalise it to all areas of your life, thinking, “I always mess up” or “I can never do anything right”.

Another less talked about – but incredibly important – side effect that comes from holding onto criticism is the creation of Thought-Knots in the body. These are places where your fascia becomes physically stuck from negative thoughts. By learning to handle criticism, you will find it easier to keep your body pain-free. 

So, how do you approach your initially negative, instinctual responses, and how can criticism become a path to personal growth? Drumroll, please … Welcome the 3 R’s – Reflect, Reframe, Reveal. This method is in no way a quick fix but a gentle process of transformation that leads to deeper self-awareness and empowerment.

Reflect: The first R stands for Reflect and is a call to pause and self-observe. 

When others judge us, emotions can surge like a black cloud, obscuring our thoughts. 

The power of reflection lies in its ability to quieten the storm, allowing you to see clearly through the fog of your reactions. When criticism comes your way, take a deep breath and observe your feelings without judgement. 

What emotions are you experiencing? Disappointment, anger, embarrassment? Recognise them, and let them be. This self-awareness is the first step towards navigating criticism in a healthier way.

Reframe: Next, it’s time for you to Reframe. This stage is about shifting your perspective from instinctive defensiveness to open-minded curiosity. 

Criticism is neutral – it’s the lens through which you view it that makes it appear threatening. Reframe encourages you to ask yourself: “What can I learn from this? How can it help me grow?” 

By seeking constructive elements in a situation, you can transform it into an opportunity for self-improvement. This reframing can alter your relationship with all types of feedback, and by extension, it can reinforce your self-worth.

Reveal: The final R stands for Reveal. Having reflected on your emotions and reframed your perspective, it’s time for some revealing insights about yourself. 

What patterns of thought or behaviour led to the criticism in the first place?

How do others’ opinions connect to your self-worth? This has nothing to do with self-blame, but instead, it serves to unveil truths about yourself that may have been previously hidden. This process of revelation can sometimes be uncomfortable, but it is also immensely liberating. It’s like clearing away foggy mirrors to see your true reflection.

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The one exception I mentioned earlier to watch out for is when people are being deliberately critical to goad or bait you into a reaction. This is common with narcissists or serial manipulators. Any rational or emotional response from you is likely to trigger further criticism from these types of people. So, in this case, protect your peace by removing yourself completely from the interaction and reinforcing your boundaries where possible.

As the fabulous Dita Von TEEse aptly puts it, “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches.” The important thing is understanding and accepting criticism without internalising it or letting it impact your self-worth or sense of identity.

Criticism, instinctual reactions, self-worth – they’re all pieces of the puzzle that is ‘you’. As you reveal these truths, remember to be compassionate towards yourself. Self-discovery is a journey filled with peaks and valleys, but every step brings you closer to a state free from fear of judgement. 

Instead, you’ll find the freedom to express yourself, make your mark in the world, and be your authentic self. And that’s where the magic lies – in authentic living!